My Barren Fruit

Psalm 34:17-19 17. The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.  18. The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of contrite spirit.  19. Many are the afflictions of the righteous:but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.  My dearest Barren, We are coming upon more festive holidays, the celebration of our beloved Savior the most important one of them all. I know it has been long since my post. I apologize and ask your forgiveness. Now let us discuss this precious piece of scripture. This selection has upheld my spirit recently. With the many changes occurring at home and our finance, oh how I have cherished this Psalm. It's beautifully written just for you too. We become righteous by faith. Yes, simply believing without a doubt is what gives us righteousness. (There are many versus in Romans pertaining to this: Romans 3:22, 4:3, 5, 6,9,22)  The good Lord will deliver you from your troubles.

My Dearest Barren, I have something interesting to share with you. Today while reading my Scripture, this verse came up: And He spoke a parable unto them to this end, that men ought always pray, and not to faint; Luke  18: 1  What is so interesting you may ask? This same verse appeared the other day. By random selection and all the math formulas in the world, the same verse should never be selected especially within the time frame of one week. Is this a coincidental? I do not believe so. I believe the good Lord is trying to reach me. It's true my Christian struggle is praying. I know I do not pray enough. I will heed this "sign" and spend more time in pray. We all should strive to pray and not to faint. I challenge you my dearest Barren to pray just one more prayer today. I won't bother to point out it could save your sanity during the holidays while all those awkward and hurtful subjects come into the light. Maybe turn it over to the Light in prayer and rest

My Dearest Barren, The end of the year is upon us and it is the time to be discussing gifts. While I mostly blunder through because I dread picking out gifts for others. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to give to others...I just don't like the mind wrenching process to get there. I came across this passage which reminds me of God's infinite wisdom, grace, and gifts. "If ye, then, being evil, know how to give goods gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him ?"  --Luke 11:13 KJV  Pretty profound. Since the fall of Adam, we are born with sin nature and therefore evil. But God's grace is much greater. In this passage of Luke, if we simply ask for the Holy Spirit and guidance, God promises it, freely gives it as a gift. How amazing! What really struck me was right in the middle to the end. "How much more" it says. God's supply is limitless. He can give us more than we ever dreamed if

My dearest Barren, Guilt. It's a common feeling for humans. We feel guilty because we snapped after seeing that third pregnancy announcement. We feel guilty because we shouldn't hurt so much yet we do. We feel guilty when we don't go to that baby shower or pass on holding the newborn in the family. We feel guilty when we cause strain on our relationships and don't know how to fix things. My guilt came when I was leaving the church nursery, where children stay until the age of three. The sweetest lady is the nursery director and she puts so much into her ministry. She cannot have children and is now past (not the power of God but) her prime. My affectionate toddler held out his hands to give her a hug (for the second time before leaving). She scooped him up and he wrapped his arms so tight around her neck. She slowly closes her eyes then looks to me. It that sweet and tender moment I could feel her thoughts, you are so blessed. A pain shot through me. Guilt. Heartach

My Dearest Barren, Something happened today. I was on facebook, (not work related; I manage a facebook page as a Virtual Assistant) and BAM. My cousin is eight months pregnant and she looks amazing. She hardly looks six months pregnant. Her due date is late December. That's exactly where I should be. If I hadn't miscarried in April I would be eight months pregnant now. My heaven baby was due December 20th. The hurt is so very real and raw. Even though I feel God's immense love and grace over my heart I still want to cry my eyes out. I know God's reason for taking the baby was far more important than for us to keep the baby. It's been settled but why did this wave of sadness rush over me? Is it because I'm human and imperfect? Is it because I want to wallow in my heartache? Is it a little bit of all the above? Possibly. Am I a present day Peter when stepping onto the water couldn't keep her eyes on the Lord and His will in my life? Yes. Very much so. For

My Dearest Barren, If you read my last post you know how being content for me in this moment is a struggle. (Nearly everything Barren related is a struggle.) I can't shake this feeling of wanting  another baby. Many of us Barren get comments by unknowing strangers and this is where God's word comes into our lives. Let your conversation be without covetousness ; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.  Hebrews 13:5    Because we have Christ in our lives and He will never FORSAKE us, we should be content. He has plans to prosper us and not harm us. He, in His infinite wisdom, knows why. He has chosen you to bear this barren cross. Further yet, He expects us to guard ourselves from covetousness. He expects us to take rest in Him and be content with His hands in our lives. Let me tell you this verse really hit me today. The good Lord knew I would need it. So I pray for you, all Barren, and myself that the Lo

My Dearest Barren, This is the day you have either been dreading or looking forward to. October 15th. It's on a Sunday this year. I am thankful for that. It means I cannot wallow in my grief all day. It means I have to rely on the Lord's strength for this day. This day every year...is hard. It opens scars that have healed. Infant and Pregnancy Loss Day. It's greatly overshadowed by many things in the month of October; bow season, football, Breast Cancer Awareness, and I'm sure I'm missing some others. Those of us who know, know. It's a special day for us. A day we can uplift each other Barren in sisterly love. A day we can choose to support another woman in grief instead of focusing on our own. Each Barren story is uniquely yours but God has given you that story for a reason, who knows maybe many reasons. I do know that God wants your love, praise from you, and for us to show one another love as we love ourselves. I challenge you my dearest to hand over you

My Dearest Barren, Isaiah 40:29-31 He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. [30] Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: [31] But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.    This is my scripture for today. On a day I needed it. On a day, that I've feared would come. On a day unspoken thoughts were given to mouth. "We might accept that he will probably be an only child." Those words have haunted since April, my last miscarriage. Only they weren't spoken by me. They were from my husband. He's a realist. He's just being honest and helping me face the hard truth; our wonderful toddler may be our only earthly child. It hurts in more places than one. As you well know and I'm not ready to 'give up'. It doesn't feel   right. But when I

My dearest Barren,   As you know my struggle, I've been praying for another baby. Specifically I've been praying for twins. Pictures of two healthy baby boys with auburn hair and hazel eyes fill my mind. Stories of my family ancestry of twins and triplets plague me. All in part with the fact my husband wants only one more child and the thought of just one more child is sad to me. I still crave a large family.   In my lamentation to Christ I prayed and cried and yes did the forbidden and questioned 'why' I could not have twins. Then it hit me.   Greed. How selfish of me, how greedy of me to ask such a thing. To pray and request of God my greediness nearly made me break into tears. I was not waiting as I feel lead to. I was not trusting God as I knew  I should. No this was me 'taking matters into my hands' again. I quietly thank God for the revelation before I caused more heartache of my own doing. My ambitions have been trouble for me because they have been

"Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: [7] that the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: " 1 Peter 1:6-7 My dearest Barren,    I can't but help to think of you reading this passage of scripture. Our trial, your  trial is forged in fire. This thing which burdens your spirit and hurts your heart is all for the glory of God. It seems a hefty trade. The 'glory of God' is not tangible to us in the way a newborn baby is. It's not something we can 'see', touch, smell, hear, or feel . Our world is so removed from God's glory, we don't even know what that means. As humans we are often near sighted. We are conditioned for instant gratification. The Good Lord knows your heaviness that you carry. He knows. His comfort to you

My dearest Barren, We all have our own ugly. We wear it at different times and different places. We may keep it hidden in the blackness of our hearts and the deepest corner of our minds. I present to you a lamentation of my heart. This is my ugly. My struggle of multiple miscarriages back to back; my closing out of everyone; my anger towards God. This is a poem of my personal grief. Some of you may relate; some of you may not. What is important is to learn from my mistakes. Yes time is a great healer but there is one who is greater yet. Turn your eyes toward the true Healer and Comforter. I felt betrayed by God for what happened so I reacted by closing up my heart to Him and stoking a legendary "redheaded" temper. It changed me forever and no matter how hard I try, I will never get back to the place I was before without God's mercy and grace. I am begging you, take your wounds before the throne and allow Him to heal you. He will do a much better job than you licking t

My dearest Barren, I want to write about our struggles humbly. There are many struggles with being barren and even among ourselves we bicker who has the biggest burden. We divide ourselves by which side of the fence we reside on; those who can conceive but struggled to do so and those who have yet to conceive. All struggle is equal.  Now you may argue and point fingers at the other  side but let me assure you, she feels the same pain you do. It hurts her to see that newborn baby as it does you. It wretches her heart strings to witness children mistreated and ignored. Some of you barren have visited both sides of the fence as I have. I have a toddler and 4 heaven babies; one that is from this year. It is just as hard to question why you are barren with negative tests every month as when you do have a child blessing but may never have another. When all the questions of why are fixed medically, but God has different plans for your womb. Trusting God seems so hard at this point becaus

{Matthew 11:28-30}      Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. This verse was my verse of the day. The good Lord knew I would need this verse today. All ready it's been a rough morning & I've had to remind myself that my struggles are minor inconveniences. When the world comes crashing down upon your shoulders; how beautiful it is that the Lord will take your burdens; how wonderful His grace is to intercede and make your life  

"You're just unlucky, twice." Those were the words from my OB/GYN. They were followed by, "We don't start testing until you've had three."  My heart sank . Sucking the last little hope I had. My doctor wasn't going to help me until I had another confirmed miscarriage. Our baby made it to 13 weeks but only measured 9 weeks, meaning it took my body that long to start the process of miscarrying. The reason we went to the hospital was spotting. I was horrified. My doctor would stand on the sidelines while I suffered this traumatic experience, again. A miscarriage, no matter at what point it occurs (because a woman's body instantly changes her hormones even if you don't notice), is still hard.  I've avoided the topic of doctors for a reason. I lost faith in them! Two years after my first miscarriage, I found a fertility specialist nearby and scheduled an appointment. These people, it was rumored, could nearly guarantee  a viable pregnancy.

I haven't forgotten you.   When I had the purpose in my heart to create this blog, I was broken and barren. Many of you can all too easily relate. I stopped blogging intentionally. January 2015 held a blessing for my husband and I. Our healthy baby boy was born in September that year.  I ached to share God's immense blessing. But knowing all too well the trials, us barren have faced, I couldn't bring myself to. Not to barren women whose greatest grief was to never know their own children.  Barren Fruit has always settled in the back of my mind, nagging at me. There are hurting women who could use encouragement as I wish I had during my struggle. They don't need placid comments, "Time will heal", "Your time will come" ,"It'll be okay", and the worst: "I'm sorry" . All the off-hand "sentiments" people say with the apathetic pat on the arm. No. They never helped me and I know of other barren whom stated the