Greedy.

My dearest Barren,

  As you know my struggle, I've been praying for another baby. Specifically I've been praying for twins. Pictures of two healthy baby boys with auburn hair and hazel eyes fill my mind. Stories of my family ancestry of twins and triplets plague me. All in part with the fact my husband wants only one more child and the thought of just one more child is sad to me. I still crave a large family.
  In my lamentation to Christ I prayed and cried and yes did the forbidden and questioned 'why' I could not have twins. Then it hit me.
  Greed.
How selfish of me, how greedy of me to ask such a thing. To pray and request of God my greediness nearly made me break into tears. I was not waiting as I feel lead to. I was not trusting God as I knew I should. No this was me 'taking matters into my hands' again. I quietly thank God for the revelation before I caused more heartache of my own doing. My ambitions have been trouble for me because they have been under my own control. Letting God steer my ship is much harder than any other Christian woman has let on. It's okay to be real, struggle, and greedy. It's better to let God take hold of your helm and you take a back seat.

#mybarrenfruit

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