My Barren Fruit

My dearest Barren,   As you know my struggle, I've been praying for another baby. Specifically I've been praying for twins. Pictures of two healthy baby boys with auburn hair and hazel eyes fill my mind. Stories of my family ancestry of twins and triplets plague me. All in part with the fact my husband wants only one more child and the thought of just one more child is sad to me. I still crave a large family.   In my lamentation to Christ I prayed and cried and yes did the forbidden and questioned 'why' I could not have twins. Then it hit me.   Greed. How selfish of me, how greedy of me to ask such a thing. To pray and request of God my greediness nearly made me break into tears. I was not waiting as I feel lead to. I was not trusting God as I knew  I should. No this was me 'taking matters into my hands' again. I quietly thank God for the revelation before I caused more heartache of my own doing. My ambitions have been trouble for me because they have been

"Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: [7] that the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: " 1 Peter 1:6-7 My dearest Barren,    I can't but help to think of you reading this passage of scripture. Our trial, your  trial is forged in fire. This thing which burdens your spirit and hurts your heart is all for the glory of God. It seems a hefty trade. The 'glory of God' is not tangible to us in the way a newborn baby is. It's not something we can 'see', touch, smell, hear, or feel . Our world is so removed from God's glory, we don't even know what that means. As humans we are often near sighted. We are conditioned for instant gratification. The Good Lord knows your heaviness that you carry. He knows. His comfort to you

My dearest Barren, We all have our own ugly. We wear it at different times and different places. We may keep it hidden in the blackness of our hearts and the deepest corner of our minds. I present to you a lamentation of my heart. This is my ugly. My struggle of multiple miscarriages back to back; my closing out of everyone; my anger towards God. This is a poem of my personal grief. Some of you may relate; some of you may not. What is important is to learn from my mistakes. Yes time is a great healer but there is one who is greater yet. Turn your eyes toward the true Healer and Comforter. I felt betrayed by God for what happened so I reacted by closing up my heart to Him and stoking a legendary "redheaded" temper. It changed me forever and no matter how hard I try, I will never get back to the place I was before without God's mercy and grace. I am begging you, take your wounds before the throne and allow Him to heal you. He will do a much better job than you licking t