Guilt.
My dearest Barren,
Guilt. It's a common feeling for humans. We feel guilty because we snapped after seeing that third pregnancy announcement. We feel guilty because we shouldn't hurt so much yet we do. We feel guilty when we don't go to that baby shower or pass on holding the newborn in the family. We feel guilty when we cause strain on our relationships and don't know how to fix things.
My guilt came when I was leaving the church nursery, where children stay until the age of three. The sweetest lady is the nursery director and she puts so much into her ministry. She cannot have children and is now past (not the power of God but) her prime. My affectionate toddler held out his hands to give her a hug (for the second time before leaving). She scooped him up and he wrapped his arms so tight around her neck. She slowly closes her eyes then looks to me. It that sweet and tender moment I could feel her thoughts, you are so blessed.
A pain shot through me. Guilt. Heartache for her. I knew she was right. She was looking in from the outside, as often as it is for the Barren.
What she didn't know is I struggled with him for hours on end, two days straight. All he did was cry, whine, intentionally be naughty, and throw fits about everything (not exaggerating). I was in the front seat of the mom struggle bus all that week. The worse is I know why he was acting in such a stereotypical toddler way. His dad is an over the road truck driver. He is often gone for a few days at a time and two days prior his dad left on a job. But there is nothing I can do to satisfy my little man's need because it requires his father. So I was at my limit and she saw how precious my blessing is.
And I found my heart severely convicted. Then it came to me.
Jesus. It's amazing our God loves us so much to send His only son to die on the cross. The blood of Jesus covers a multitude of sin. I'll thinking of an old hymn I used to sing in church. It was one of my favorites. "Sinners plunged beneath the flood loose all their guilty stains." If we immerse ourselves, our pain, our guilt, and our burdens in Jesus' blood, He will cleanse us. He gave me that moment of guilt to realize just how precious those moments are with my son, naughty or no. He gave me that moment of guilt to realize I need to give more grace to those around me, no matter the circumstances. My lovelies, I ask that you pray today for Jesus to ease your burden and release you, set you free of your guilt. He set me free.
Guilt. It's a common feeling for humans. We feel guilty because we snapped after seeing that third pregnancy announcement. We feel guilty because we shouldn't hurt so much yet we do. We feel guilty when we don't go to that baby shower or pass on holding the newborn in the family. We feel guilty when we cause strain on our relationships and don't know how to fix things.
My guilt came when I was leaving the church nursery, where children stay until the age of three. The sweetest lady is the nursery director and she puts so much into her ministry. She cannot have children and is now past (not the power of God but) her prime. My affectionate toddler held out his hands to give her a hug (for the second time before leaving). She scooped him up and he wrapped his arms so tight around her neck. She slowly closes her eyes then looks to me. It that sweet and tender moment I could feel her thoughts, you are so blessed.
A pain shot through me. Guilt. Heartache for her. I knew she was right. She was looking in from the outside, as often as it is for the Barren.
What she didn't know is I struggled with him for hours on end, two days straight. All he did was cry, whine, intentionally be naughty, and throw fits about everything (not exaggerating). I was in the front seat of the mom struggle bus all that week. The worse is I know why he was acting in such a stereotypical toddler way. His dad is an over the road truck driver. He is often gone for a few days at a time and two days prior his dad left on a job. But there is nothing I can do to satisfy my little man's need because it requires his father. So I was at my limit and she saw how precious my blessing is.
And I found my heart severely convicted. Then it came to me.
Jesus. It's amazing our God loves us so much to send His only son to die on the cross. The blood of Jesus covers a multitude of sin. I'll thinking of an old hymn I used to sing in church. It was one of my favorites. "Sinners plunged beneath the flood loose all their guilty stains." If we immerse ourselves, our pain, our guilt, and our burdens in Jesus' blood, He will cleanse us. He gave me that moment of guilt to realize just how precious those moments are with my son, naughty or no. He gave me that moment of guilt to realize I need to give more grace to those around me, no matter the circumstances. My lovelies, I ask that you pray today for Jesus to ease your burden and release you, set you free of your guilt. He set me free.
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