Where to Start
My journey as a married Christian woman has been laid with many trial and hardships. This may come as no surprise to most of you. We can say my married life has been unconventional and nontraditional.
Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of having a yard full of children. I don't mean I wanted one boy and one girl. No. I wanted a minimum of seven, yes seven children. Did I mention I wanted boys? I wanted all boys save one. Weird as it may be, this is exactly what I wanted for as long as I can remember.
Once I was married I wanted to start having children right away. Part of my "plan" was to have all my children at a young age so that I wouldn't be age sixty watching my oldest child graduate.
I believe God has other plans.
It became very hard for me to except the reality. I may never have children as I have always dreamed.
It was harder yet watching all my extended family being granted the things which I desired most. The things which I've felt "entitled" to. The very things that have been ingrained into me saying "this is how it is supposed to be". My reaction to these was 100% fleshly and human as I went through a phase of discontent with God. I blocked my heart from the only Healer which could mend my heart. It's a dangerous decision.
Once my phase was over, I began slowly to allow God back into my heart and life.
Now, these trials and hardships were harder yet on my marriage. It's not easy. None of it is but it's harder yet trying to explain the feelings inside you to your mate whom God created differently. It took me a long time to understand, my husband may never know how much I deeply desired children. It's a motherly instinct he doesn't and won't ever have. No matter how I just wanted him to understand me, my feeling and my failures, he wasn't going to. Looking back, I truly believe I had Postpartum Depression (PPD). The never ending spiral of grief and depression rolled into one tight and frightening package.
There were things which helped me get back on track to who I used to be. As we are human there is no way to go through hardships and expect to come out the same on the other side. No. We carry scars. Our experiences change our perspectives and sometimes our priorities.
My first step was praying. Lots of pray. I first prayed not to want. It helped a little. I rebuked myself when I saw a newborn then wished for one of my own. It was a crutch for me to hop along with.
The next was an article I read. A friend of mine shared on Facebook. It changed me. It changed my perspective.
You may read it *here.
Since this article I've deepened my relationship with God. Opening new channels of trust and guidance from Him.
And let me just tell you...it's been like nothing else. It's as if a weights been lifted. My worries have nearly disappeared. God's grace is truly amazing.
So, I've come to peace with things in my life which I believe to simply be.
One: God loves me more than anything and He will guide me, care for me and never abandon me.
Two: My path may not be easy but God has a plan above all. He is in control.
Three: Listening to God can be as simple as hearing a person in the same room, even though what He might say and ask of you might not be simple. I believe He speaks to all us through various avenues. We must learn to listen.
Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of having a yard full of children. I don't mean I wanted one boy and one girl. No. I wanted a minimum of seven, yes seven children. Did I mention I wanted boys? I wanted all boys save one. Weird as it may be, this is exactly what I wanted for as long as I can remember.
Once I was married I wanted to start having children right away. Part of my "plan" was to have all my children at a young age so that I wouldn't be age sixty watching my oldest child graduate.
I believe God has other plans.
It became very hard for me to except the reality. I may never have children as I have always dreamed.
It was harder yet watching all my extended family being granted the things which I desired most. The things which I've felt "entitled" to. The very things that have been ingrained into me saying "this is how it is supposed to be". My reaction to these was 100% fleshly and human as I went through a phase of discontent with God. I blocked my heart from the only Healer which could mend my heart. It's a dangerous decision.
Once my phase was over, I began slowly to allow God back into my heart and life.
Now, these trials and hardships were harder yet on my marriage. It's not easy. None of it is but it's harder yet trying to explain the feelings inside you to your mate whom God created differently. It took me a long time to understand, my husband may never know how much I deeply desired children. It's a motherly instinct he doesn't and won't ever have. No matter how I just wanted him to understand me, my feeling and my failures, he wasn't going to. Looking back, I truly believe I had Postpartum Depression (PPD). The never ending spiral of grief and depression rolled into one tight and frightening package.
There were things which helped me get back on track to who I used to be. As we are human there is no way to go through hardships and expect to come out the same on the other side. No. We carry scars. Our experiences change our perspectives and sometimes our priorities.
My first step was praying. Lots of pray. I first prayed not to want. It helped a little. I rebuked myself when I saw a newborn then wished for one of my own. It was a crutch for me to hop along with.
The next was an article I read. A friend of mine shared on Facebook. It changed me. It changed my perspective.
You may read it *here.
Since this article I've deepened my relationship with God. Opening new channels of trust and guidance from Him.
And let me just tell you...it's been like nothing else. It's as if a weights been lifted. My worries have nearly disappeared. God's grace is truly amazing.
So, I've come to peace with things in my life which I believe to simply be.
One: God loves me more than anything and He will guide me, care for me and never abandon me.
Two: My path may not be easy but God has a plan above all. He is in control.
Three: Listening to God can be as simple as hearing a person in the same room, even though what He might say and ask of you might not be simple. I believe He speaks to all us through various avenues. We must learn to listen.
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