My Barren Fruit

My dearest Barren, The first day of spring has come and gone for nearly a month. Here in rural northern Indiana, it's snowing. Yes. Snowing. It's unusual in the least, even for us who are used to winter clinging to every chilled day. I won't mention how gardening will probably be delayed because of winter's act of defiance. Now I say all this due to a revelation of sorts I had. Psalm 39:7  And now, Lord, what wait I for? my hope is in thee.  Among my personal struggles lately, I feel anxious, unsettled, and just unsatisfied. It's like all I am doing is waiting for nothing. Much like my newlywed years of trying to have our first child. Waiting and waiting; only to be disappointed yet again or worse to have the hope of a child only to loose the baby early on. This morning God answered a prayer I have had for a couple weeks. His answer was not an easy one. Wait. Wait? Wait for what? How will I know the wait is over? What happens if I miss it? 'No'...

"From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2  My Dearest Barren, We're going to talk about lifting our eyes higher. Our precious Savior and Lord is much higher than ourselves. This seems obvious but I often times wonder whether we forget this fact. Since Jesus is so accessible to us; do we forget that His ways are higher than ours? Or perhaps we put Him in a box because we take Him for granted?  This verse has been on my heart for about a week. David uses Psalms to express his frustration, fear, and sadness to the Lord. (Can you imagine hand writing a letter to God every time you were upset? Talk about faith to be so unabashed and lay all of your heart out for the Lord.) I want to focus on the latter part of this scripture, highlighted above.  Even though David is troubled by the events going on, he still asks for God's guidance and seeks the Lord's consul to lift hi...

My Dearest Barren, I have a friend who has a total of seven children. Her first was a still born. In 2018, seven children is extremely high unless you're Amish or part of some weird cult. (She belongs to neither by the way.) You know what? My friend doesn't care. She had the same joy with the first as she did with the seventh. She doesn't plan on stopping either. Her goal is to bear as many children as God gives her, regardless. Ever talk to women in their '80's who had thirteen children or the WWII vet coming from a family of ten? It was a different world back then. Back when they just made do with what they had. A simple life. A life to a degree without fear. They didn't care what others thought about a large family because it was no one else's business. (Minus the fact of modern science and the conveniences we have available now; planned parenting and such.) Plus many of them were from or having large families themselves. Despite all of our modern adv...

My Dearest Barren, Do you know what I find interesting? We have a God so big, powerful, and wonderful that He promises to be there in our time of need. I've been in a lot of prayer lately. (I really do love it.) If only I could come to the throne for the sake of coming to the throne instead of needing  to come to the throne. Am I making sense? Do you understand what I mean? I'm praying more because of simple circumstance; although my prayers are still sincere and my heart is truly in them. I can't help but to think, why haven't I done this more out of basic desire to communicate with my God? What started this whole process of questioning was a verse in Hebrews. "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in of need."  Hebrews 4:16   You see, I have been "judging" and berating myself for praying in circumstance when really God wants us to come to Him in our times of need. This is m...

My Dearest Barren, I have something special to talk about in this new year. Charity. For those unfamiliar with the KJV: the word charity is often switched with the word love. In other bible versions you will notice the change. Also in the "archived" definition of charity you will find: 'love of humankind, typically in a Christian context. "faith, hope, and charity"' So how does all of this fit with being Barren? Charity relates in many ways to Barren but for now I want to focus on one aspect. Colossians 3:12-14 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;  Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity , which is the bond of perfectness. Put on charity, my dearest Barren, to show the world you are different; to show the world Christ ...

Psalm 34:17-19 17. The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.  18. The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of contrite spirit.  19. Many are the afflictions of the righteous:but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.  My dearest Barren, We are coming upon more festive holidays, the celebration of our beloved Savior the most important one of them all. I know it has been long since my post. I apologize and ask your forgiveness. Now let us discuss this precious piece of scripture. This selection has upheld my spirit recently. With the many changes occurring at home and our finance, oh how I have cherished this Psalm. It's beautifully written just for you too. We become righteous by faith. Yes, simply believing without a doubt is what gives us righteousness. (There are many versus in Romans pertaining to this: Romans 3:22, 4:3, 5, 6,9,22)  The good Lord will deliver you from ...

My Dearest Barren, I have something interesting to share with you. Today while reading my Scripture, this verse came up: And He spoke a parable unto them to this end, that men ought always pray, and not to faint; Luke  18: 1  What is so interesting you may ask? This same verse appeared the other day. By random selection and all the math formulas in the world, the same verse should never be selected especially within the time frame of one week. Is this a coincidental? I do not believe so. I believe the good Lord is trying to reach me. It's true my Christian struggle is praying. I know I do not pray enough. I will heed this "sign" and spend more time in pray. We all should strive to pray and not to faint. I challenge you my dearest Barren to pray just one more prayer today. I won't bother to point out it could save your sanity during the holidays while all those awkward and hurtful subjects come into the light. Maybe turn it over to the Light in prayer and rest ...

My Dearest Barren, The end of the year is upon us and it is the time to be discussing gifts. While I mostly blunder through because I dread picking out gifts for others. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to give to others...I just don't like the mind wrenching process to get there. I came across this passage which reminds me of God's infinite wisdom, grace, and gifts. "If ye, then, being evil, know how to give goods gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him ?"  --Luke 11:13 KJV  Pretty profound. Since the fall of Adam, we are born with sin nature and therefore evil. But God's grace is much greater. In this passage of Luke, if we simply ask for the Holy Spirit and guidance, God promises it, freely gives it as a gift. How amazing! What really struck me was right in the middle to the end. "How much more" it says. God's supply is limitless. He can give us more than we ever dreamed if ...

My dearest Barren, Guilt. It's a common feeling for humans. We feel guilty because we snapped after seeing that third pregnancy announcement. We feel guilty because we shouldn't hurt so much yet we do. We feel guilty when we don't go to that baby shower or pass on holding the newborn in the family. We feel guilty when we cause strain on our relationships and don't know how to fix things. My guilt came when I was leaving the church nursery, where children stay until the age of three. The sweetest lady is the nursery director and she puts so much into her ministry. She cannot have children and is now past (not the power of God but) her prime. My affectionate toddler held out his hands to give her a hug (for the second time before leaving). She scooped him up and he wrapped his arms so tight around her neck. She slowly closes her eyes then looks to me. It that sweet and tender moment I could feel her thoughts, you are so blessed. A pain shot through me. Guilt. Heartach...

My Dearest Barren, Something happened today. I was on facebook, (not work related; I manage a facebook page as a Virtual Assistant) and BAM. My cousin is eight months pregnant and she looks amazing. She hardly looks six months pregnant. Her due date is late December. That's exactly where I should be. If I hadn't miscarried in April I would be eight months pregnant now. My heaven baby was due December 20th. The hurt is so very real and raw. Even though I feel God's immense love and grace over my heart I still want to cry my eyes out. I know God's reason for taking the baby was far more important than for us to keep the baby. It's been settled but why did this wave of sadness rush over me? Is it because I'm human and imperfect? Is it because I want to wallow in my heartache? Is it a little bit of all the above? Possibly. Am I a present day Peter when stepping onto the water couldn't keep her eyes on the Lord and His will in my life? Yes. Very much so. For...

My Dearest Barren, If you read my last post you know how being content for me in this moment is a struggle. (Nearly everything Barren related is a struggle.) I can't shake this feeling of wanting  another baby. Many of us Barren get comments by unknowing strangers and this is where God's word comes into our lives. Let your conversation be without covetousness ; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.  Hebrews 13:5    Because we have Christ in our lives and He will never FORSAKE us, we should be content. He has plans to prosper us and not harm us. He, in His infinite wisdom, knows why. He has chosen you to bear this barren cross. Further yet, He expects us to guard ourselves from covetousness. He expects us to take rest in Him and be content with His hands in our lives. Let me tell you this verse really hit me today. The good Lord knew I would need it. So I pray for you, all Barren, and my...

My Dearest Barren, This is the day you have either been dreading or looking forward to. October 15th. It's on a Sunday this year. I am thankful for that. It means I cannot wallow in my grief all day. It means I have to rely on the Lord's strength for this day. This day every year...is hard. It opens scars that have healed. Infant and Pregnancy Loss Day. It's greatly overshadowed by many things in the month of October; bow season, football, Breast Cancer Awareness, and I'm sure I'm missing some others. Those of us who know, know. It's a special day for us. A day we can uplift each other Barren in sisterly love. A day we can choose to support another woman in grief instead of focusing on our own. Each Barren story is uniquely yours but God has given you that story for a reason, who knows maybe many reasons. I do know that God wants your love, praise from you, and for us to show one another love as we love ourselves. I challenge you my dearest to hand over you...

My Dearest Barren, Isaiah 40:29-31 He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. [30] Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: [31] But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.    This is my scripture for today. On a day I needed it. On a day, that I've feared would come. On a day unspoken thoughts were given to mouth. "We might accept that he will probably be an only child." Those words have haunted since April, my last miscarriage. Only they weren't spoken by me. They were from my husband. He's a realist. He's just being honest and helping me face the hard truth; our wonderful toddler may be our only earthly child. It hurts in more places than one. As you well know and I'm not ready to 'give up'. It doesn't feel   right. But when I...

My dearest Barren,   As you know my struggle, I've been praying for another baby. Specifically I've been praying for twins. Pictures of two healthy baby boys with auburn hair and hazel eyes fill my mind. Stories of my family ancestry of twins and triplets plague me. All in part with the fact my husband wants only one more child and the thought of just one more child is sad to me. I still crave a large family.   In my lamentation to Christ I prayed and cried and yes did the forbidden and questioned 'why' I could not have twins. Then it hit me.   Greed. How selfish of me, how greedy of me to ask such a thing. To pray and request of God my greediness nearly made me break into tears. I was not waiting as I feel lead to. I was not trusting God as I knew  I should. No this was me 'taking matters into my hands' again. I quietly thank God for the revelation before I caused more heartache of my own doing. My ambitions have been trouble for me because they have been ...

"Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: [7] that the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: " 1 Peter 1:6-7 My dearest Barren,    I can't but help to think of you reading this passage of scripture. Our trial, your  trial is forged in fire. This thing which burdens your spirit and hurts your heart is all for the glory of God. It seems a hefty trade. The 'glory of God' is not tangible to us in the way a newborn baby is. It's not something we can 'see', touch, smell, hear, or feel . Our world is so removed from God's glory, we don't even know what that means. As humans we are often near sighted. We are conditioned for instant gratification. The Good Lord knows your heaviness that you carry. He knows. His comfort to you ...

My dearest Barren, We all have our own ugly. We wear it at different times and different places. We may keep it hidden in the blackness of our hearts and the deepest corner of our minds. I present to you a lamentation of my heart. This is my ugly. My struggle of multiple miscarriages back to back; my closing out of everyone; my anger towards God. This is a poem of my personal grief. Some of you may relate; some of you may not. What is important is to learn from my mistakes. Yes time is a great healer but there is one who is greater yet. Turn your eyes toward the true Healer and Comforter. I felt betrayed by God for what happened so I reacted by closing up my heart to Him and stoking a legendary "redheaded" temper. It changed me forever and no matter how hard I try, I will never get back to the place I was before without God's mercy and grace. I am begging you, take your wounds before the throne and allow Him to heal you. He will do a much better job than you licking t...