My Barren Fruit

My Dearest Barren, The end of the year is upon us and it is the time to be discussing gifts. While I mostly blunder through because I dread picking out gifts for others. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to give to others...I just don't like the mind wrenching process to get there. I came across this passage which reminds me of God's infinite wisdom, grace, and gifts. "If ye, then, being evil, know how to give goods gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him ?"  --Luke 11:13 KJV  Pretty profound. Since the fall of Adam, we are born with sin nature and therefore evil. But God's grace is much greater. In this passage of Luke, if we simply ask for the Holy Spirit and guidance, God promises it, freely gives it as a gift. How amazing! What really struck me was right in the middle to the end. "How much more" it says. God's supply is limitless. He can give us more than we ever dreamed if ...

My dearest Barren, Guilt. It's a common feeling for humans. We feel guilty because we snapped after seeing that third pregnancy announcement. We feel guilty because we shouldn't hurt so much yet we do. We feel guilty when we don't go to that baby shower or pass on holding the newborn in the family. We feel guilty when we cause strain on our relationships and don't know how to fix things. My guilt came when I was leaving the church nursery, where children stay until the age of three. The sweetest lady is the nursery director and she puts so much into her ministry. She cannot have children and is now past (not the power of God but) her prime. My affectionate toddler held out his hands to give her a hug (for the second time before leaving). She scooped him up and he wrapped his arms so tight around her neck. She slowly closes her eyes then looks to me. It that sweet and tender moment I could feel her thoughts, you are so blessed. A pain shot through me. Guilt. Heartach...

My Dearest Barren, Something happened today. I was on facebook, (not work related; I manage a facebook page as a Virtual Assistant) and BAM. My cousin is eight months pregnant and she looks amazing. She hardly looks six months pregnant. Her due date is late December. That's exactly where I should be. If I hadn't miscarried in April I would be eight months pregnant now. My heaven baby was due December 20th. The hurt is so very real and raw. Even though I feel God's immense love and grace over my heart I still want to cry my eyes out. I know God's reason for taking the baby was far more important than for us to keep the baby. It's been settled but why did this wave of sadness rush over me? Is it because I'm human and imperfect? Is it because I want to wallow in my heartache? Is it a little bit of all the above? Possibly. Am I a present day Peter when stepping onto the water couldn't keep her eyes on the Lord and His will in my life? Yes. Very much so. For...

My Dearest Barren, If you read my last post you know how being content for me in this moment is a struggle. (Nearly everything Barren related is a struggle.) I can't shake this feeling of wanting  another baby. Many of us Barren get comments by unknowing strangers and this is where God's word comes into our lives. Let your conversation be without covetousness ; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.  Hebrews 13:5    Because we have Christ in our lives and He will never FORSAKE us, we should be content. He has plans to prosper us and not harm us. He, in His infinite wisdom, knows why. He has chosen you to bear this barren cross. Further yet, He expects us to guard ourselves from covetousness. He expects us to take rest in Him and be content with His hands in our lives. Let me tell you this verse really hit me today. The good Lord knew I would need it. So I pray for you, all Barren, and my...

My Dearest Barren, This is the day you have either been dreading or looking forward to. October 15th. It's on a Sunday this year. I am thankful for that. It means I cannot wallow in my grief all day. It means I have to rely on the Lord's strength for this day. This day every year...is hard. It opens scars that have healed. Infant and Pregnancy Loss Day. It's greatly overshadowed by many things in the month of October; bow season, football, Breast Cancer Awareness, and I'm sure I'm missing some others. Those of us who know, know. It's a special day for us. A day we can uplift each other Barren in sisterly love. A day we can choose to support another woman in grief instead of focusing on our own. Each Barren story is uniquely yours but God has given you that story for a reason, who knows maybe many reasons. I do know that God wants your love, praise from you, and for us to show one another love as we love ourselves. I challenge you my dearest to hand over you...

My Dearest Barren, Isaiah 40:29-31 He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. [30] Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: [31] But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.    This is my scripture for today. On a day I needed it. On a day, that I've feared would come. On a day unspoken thoughts were given to mouth. "We might accept that he will probably be an only child." Those words have haunted since April, my last miscarriage. Only they weren't spoken by me. They were from my husband. He's a realist. He's just being honest and helping me face the hard truth; our wonderful toddler may be our only earthly child. It hurts in more places than one. As you well know and I'm not ready to 'give up'. It doesn't feel   right. But when I...

My dearest Barren,   As you know my struggle, I've been praying for another baby. Specifically I've been praying for twins. Pictures of two healthy baby boys with auburn hair and hazel eyes fill my mind. Stories of my family ancestry of twins and triplets plague me. All in part with the fact my husband wants only one more child and the thought of just one more child is sad to me. I still crave a large family.   In my lamentation to Christ I prayed and cried and yes did the forbidden and questioned 'why' I could not have twins. Then it hit me.   Greed. How selfish of me, how greedy of me to ask such a thing. To pray and request of God my greediness nearly made me break into tears. I was not waiting as I feel lead to. I was not trusting God as I knew  I should. No this was me 'taking matters into my hands' again. I quietly thank God for the revelation before I caused more heartache of my own doing. My ambitions have been trouble for me because they have been ...