My Barren Fruit

My dearest Barren,   As you know my struggle, I've been praying for another baby. Specifically I've been praying for twins. Pictures of two healthy baby boys with auburn hair and hazel eyes fill my mind. Stories of my family ancestry of twins and triplets plague me. All in part with the fact my husband wants only one more child and the thought of just one more child is sad to me. I still crave a large family.   In my lamentation to Christ I prayed and cried and yes did the forbidden and questioned 'why' I could not have twins. Then it hit me.   Greed. How selfish of me, how greedy of me to ask such a thing. To pray and request of God my greediness nearly made me break into tears. I was not waiting as I feel lead to. I was not trusting God as I knew  I should. No this was me 'taking matters into my hands' again. I quietly thank God for the revelation before I caused more heartache of my own doing. My ambitions have been trouble for me because they have been ...

"Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: [7] that the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: " 1 Peter 1:6-7 My dearest Barren,    I can't but help to think of you reading this passage of scripture. Our trial, your  trial is forged in fire. This thing which burdens your spirit and hurts your heart is all for the glory of God. It seems a hefty trade. The 'glory of God' is not tangible to us in the way a newborn baby is. It's not something we can 'see', touch, smell, hear, or feel . Our world is so removed from God's glory, we don't even know what that means. As humans we are often near sighted. We are conditioned for instant gratification. The Good Lord knows your heaviness that you carry. He knows. His comfort to you ...

My dearest Barren, We all have our own ugly. We wear it at different times and different places. We may keep it hidden in the blackness of our hearts and the deepest corner of our minds. I present to you a lamentation of my heart. This is my ugly. My struggle of multiple miscarriages back to back; my closing out of everyone; my anger towards God. This is a poem of my personal grief. Some of you may relate; some of you may not. What is important is to learn from my mistakes. Yes time is a great healer but there is one who is greater yet. Turn your eyes toward the true Healer and Comforter. I felt betrayed by God for what happened so I reacted by closing up my heart to Him and stoking a legendary "redheaded" temper. It changed me forever and no matter how hard I try, I will never get back to the place I was before without God's mercy and grace. I am begging you, take your wounds before the throne and allow Him to heal you. He will do a much better job than you licking t...

My dearest Barren, I want to write about our struggles humbly. There are many struggles with being barren and even among ourselves we bicker who has the biggest burden. We divide ourselves by which side of the fence we reside on; those who can conceive but struggled to do so and those who have yet to conceive. All struggle is equal.  Now you may argue and point fingers at the other  side but let me assure you, she feels the same pain you do. It hurts her to see that newborn baby as it does you. It wretches her heart strings to witness children mistreated and ignored. Some of you barren have visited both sides of the fence as I have. I have a toddler and 4 heaven babies; one that is from this year. It is just as hard to question why you are barren with negative tests every month as when you do have a child blessing but may never have another. When all the questions of why are fixed medically, but God has different plans for your womb. Trusting God seems so hard at this poi...

{Matthew 11:28-30}      Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. This verse was my verse of the day. The good Lord knew I would need this verse today. All ready it's been a rough morning & I've had to remind myself that my struggles are minor inconveniences. When the world comes crashing down upon your shoulders; how beautiful it is that the Lord will take your burdens; how wonderful His grace is to intercede and make your life  

"You're just unlucky, twice." Those were the words from my OB/GYN. They were followed by, "We don't start testing until you've had three."  My heart sank . Sucking the last little hope I had. My doctor wasn't going to help me until I had another confirmed miscarriage. Our baby made it to 13 weeks but only measured 9 weeks, meaning it took my body that long to start the process of miscarrying. The reason we went to the hospital was spotting. I was horrified. My doctor would stand on the sidelines while I suffered this traumatic experience, again. A miscarriage, no matter at what point it occurs (because a woman's body instantly changes her hormones even if you don't notice), is still hard.  I've avoided the topic of doctors for a reason. I lost faith in them! Two years after my first miscarriage, I found a fertility specialist nearby and scheduled an appointment. These people, it was rumored, could nearly guarantee  a viable pregnancy....

I haven't forgotten you.   When I had the purpose in my heart to create this blog, I was broken and barren. Many of you can all too easily relate. I stopped blogging intentionally. January 2015 held a blessing for my husband and I. Our healthy baby boy was born in September that year.  I ached to share God's immense blessing. But knowing all too well the trials, us barren have faced, I couldn't bring myself to. Not to barren women whose greatest grief was to never know their own children.  Barren Fruit has always settled in the back of my mind, nagging at me. There are hurting women who could use encouragement as I wish I had during my struggle. They don't need placid comments, "Time will heal", "Your time will come" ,"It'll be okay", and the worst: "I'm sorry" . All the off-hand "sentiments" people say with the apathetic pat on the arm. No. They never helped me and I know of other barren whom stated the...