My Barren Fruit

"You're just unlucky, twice." Those were the words from my OB/GYN. They were followed by, "We don't start testing until you've had three."  My heart sank . Sucking the last little hope I had. My doctor wasn't going to help me until I had another confirmed miscarriage. Our baby made it to 13 weeks but only measured 9 weeks, meaning it took my body that long to start the process of miscarrying. The reason we went to the hospital was spotting. I was horrified. My doctor would stand on the sidelines while I suffered this traumatic experience, again. A miscarriage, no matter at what point it occurs (because a woman's body instantly changes her hormones even if you don't notice), is still hard.  I've avoided the topic of doctors for a reason. I lost faith in them! Two years after my first miscarriage, I found a fertility specialist nearby and scheduled an appointment. These people, it was rumored, could nearly guarantee  a viable pregnancy....

I haven't forgotten you.   When I had the purpose in my heart to create this blog, I was broken and barren. Many of you can all too easily relate. I stopped blogging intentionally. January 2015 held a blessing for my husband and I. Our healthy baby boy was born in September that year.  I ached to share God's immense blessing. But knowing all too well the trials, us barren have faced, I couldn't bring myself to. Not to barren women whose greatest grief was to never know their own children.  Barren Fruit has always settled in the back of my mind, nagging at me. There are hurting women who could use encouragement as I wish I had during my struggle. They don't need placid comments, "Time will heal", "Your time will come" ,"It'll be okay", and the worst: "I'm sorry" . All the off-hand "sentiments" people say with the apathetic pat on the arm. No. They never helped me and I know of other barren whom stated the...

Today I needed a little more encouragement than usual. I thought I would share what I found with you.  "He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls." Proverbs 25:28 It's true. I read this yesterday and I chewed on it for a while. What does ruling your spirit means? I believe it goes along with my last post of guarding your heart. I'll give you a little more insight of my life to maybe help.  I'm a redhead. Yup. Full blown ginger with green eyes. Nearly everyone will say the usual, 'bad tempers' and 'bad attitudes'. In reality, I've calmed down quite a bit in life and cut me some slack I have the odds against me. :)  It's very easy for me to get carried away with, well, anything. Although my temper isn't flaming hot all the time, its easy when something does make me mad to dwell on it. At this point many things make a situation worse and very few make it right.  Should I let thin...

My dearest barren, with the holidays coming around I would like to encourage you in the Lord. It's tough, our path, but the holidays always make it harder. Whether it be an idle comment or the gathering of family around the new baby your sister just had, all these things keep us under a cloud. Try as we may sometimes it gets the best of us. I wish I could tell you something that would take the pain away or to ease the aching you possess but I cannot. I struggle as you do. Everyday. I am learning this path as you are. I am simply trying to encourage you to keep a right spirit as I attempt to do. I want to discuss guarding your heart. It sounds pretty clear what that might mean. I wanted to dig deeper and find out what God has to say about it. "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life." Proverbs 4:23 This verse I will commit to memory. If we keep our hearts right with God, He will bless us. (It may be a stretch for some of you to take t...

I've been at odds searching for a topic to write about. It came to me yesterday.  Dying daily.  We all have heard the phrase and some of us may have read in the Bible about one of the great saints saying he "dies daily". For the longest time I did not know what he meant. What does it mean to die daily??  I believe the answer was revealed to me this week. Upon my journey of spiritual renewal and deepening my relationship with Jesus, I've learned a very important lesson.  I set myself aside to allow God to work through me. This is what it means to die daily. Sacrificing your feelings, your emotions, and your reactions to the world around you, pushing them aside you allow the Holy Spirit to fill you. It sounds odd and little bit self-centered when it's not. I'll give you an example. My work environment is stressful, not in a physical way but an emotional way. Lots of women in one office, many of which who like to talk and not always i...

I have waited all week for this post. No, I didn't forget and then have to scramble for something to write. I've planned this out. :)  I'm doing my morning readings in Proverbs. Most of us women think of Proverbs 31, which is a wonderful piece of Scripture, but I have found many golden treasures while reading through all of Proverbs. Today is Proverbs 30 as it is the 30th of October.  Proverbs 30:15-16  15: "The horseleach hath two daughters, crying, Give, give. There are three things that are never satisfied, yea, four things say not, It is enough:  16: The grave; and the barren womb; the earth that is not filled with water; and the fire that saith not, it is enough." Let me just start with testimony. For the longest time I prayed not to "want". Not to want pregnancy, feel a baby kick, experiencing birth, my own child, anything that had to due with pregnancy. It was foolish of me to pray that. I see that now. I cannot describe the peace I have s...

Something has been on my mind the last few days. It's what I like to call the "Struggle".  From time to time I get off track. When I get off track the world starts to get to me. I don't think I have to elaborate too much but I can give you some examples of how it started.  Example one: A family member is pregnant, which is wonderful and such a blessing, except to them. They have two small children already and the youngest is not yet a year old. So that leads us to this couple, married and such, complaining, yes complaining about being pregnant and not wanting so many children and the children being so close in age and so forth.  Let me tell you, it's hard. It's extremely hard. You know so as well. People taking for granted and complaining about one of the biggest blessing God can bestow upon them. It's hard not to let your flesh take over and then for you to be overcome and overrun by emotions. Since reading the article I posted I have been very careful...